I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
