I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
