Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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