You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
