did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
