Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
