I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
