I hate all girls vehemently.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
