Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
