I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
