Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
