Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
