No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
