is your mom at the bar?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
