You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
