Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
