You can't special order awesome
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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