did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
