I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I touched a dick in church today
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
