I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
