You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We need to get me chipped asap
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
