what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
