she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just blew my weed a kiss
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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