Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
