I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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