I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
