After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
