The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
