Where did you get a picture of my penis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
