Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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