two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
