i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I want is dick and wine.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
