went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
