I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
