My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
