So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
