Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
