Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
