Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
