I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
