I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
