Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
