Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
