I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
