Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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