biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
