WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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