Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
