In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
