I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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